Outsmarting A Toddler.

Just for the record, I have not cried in frustration at all during the past week. I have faced every dilemma with gusto. I have woken with a smile on my face after a peaceful night's rest. [cough] Yeah right.

In reality, I have found myself trying to think one step ahead of my toddler. We all know she's a hard chewer. Whether it be a stuffed animal, her bed, her hands, etc. - everything she touches will be devoured!

We found ourselves in a real pickle this weekend when we realized that she had chewed the blood out of her hands. That is correct. Her thumbs look like a woman's heel that shouldn't be wearing flip-flops. Dry, cracked, bleeding, sore. And I'll wait right here while you go throw up after reading those last two sentences. Seriously, go ahead. I don't mind waiting.

[insert elevator music]

[twiddle thumbs, check email, pee]

Now that you're back, imagine my delight when I thought I could recycle the mittens that I had used to keep her from jabbing her fingers up her nose, resulting in three weeks of nosebleeds. Why, that's perfect!

Not so fast. She couldn't get to her hands at first because of the mittens. So she sucked on her forearms. But now she has mastered removing the mittens with her teeth. She proved that she has the ability to chew off Band-Aids, gauze and medical tape. Splints are way too big. Finger cots are a choking hazard.

We even tried the special nail polish that is supposed to cure thumb sucking and nail biting. (It tastes like cayenne peppers when you lick it.) However, she powered through the eye-watering! She endured the hotness of the pepper extract and rewarded herself with a thumb!

Last night, my dear mother came to our house with her sewing kit. We attached both mittens to a string that she would wear under her pajamas (behind her back) to keep her from losing them in her sleep. What a fantastic idea! Nevertheless, I discovered my angel this morning with both mittens dangling from her sleeves. Sopping wet hands exposed. Lovely.

McGyver - 4
Mommy - 0

And that is how I found myself online this morning ordering a pair of waterproof mittens that reach all the way up to velcro at the elbows. Lucky for me, they were on sale since it's not "mitten weather."

Will they work? We shall see. Stay tuned for an update.